• Jess

The Search For Affection

When a person is single and looking for a mate, it is only commonplace for that person to search for affection in another person. Why, then, in a relationship do we constantly seek affection? I do not think I am alone in this statement when I say there is always some kind of search for affection. “Why does this happen?” is what I am searching to answer.

I think it has something to do with everyone’s favorite word (…NOT): VULNERABILITY. This is the epitome of openness with not only yourself but possibly another person. The feeling of being vulnerable is letting your walls down for a brief moment so that all of your treasures, that were behind those walls, are exposed for the world to see. What happens when your walls are down can make or break relationships, whether the relationship is with yourself or another.

Vulnerability has the power to keep you stuck AND set you free which is why it is one of the biggest factors in feeling affection. Affection is the expression of feelings of love, warmth and being cared for. When you are in a vulnerable state, you let your walls down to let affection in. If your walls are down and the affection doesn’t pour in, or worse, you are attacked then those walls immediately come back. When they come back up, there is an addition of one extra layer of bricks for added protection in the future. As you can imagine, that is now an extension of the wall you already had making it harder and harder to take down with ease.

This plays out after years of broken promises to ourselves, failed relationships and disappointments. How do we let our walls down, comfortably? How will we protect ourselves if our walls are down and we are attacked? These are questions that have answers that only you can come up with.

It can also depend on the person on the other side of the wall. Are they worth letting the wall down for? If you let that wall down will they attack you OR will they try their best to give you the affection they think you need? The question then becomes is it enough?

If that person is giving you their full amount of affection and it isn’t enough… what affection are we lacking from within ourselves? This thought comes from the notion that if we are complete, an individual giving us affection is only “in addition to”. We may be searching for something that individual can NEVER give us because the feelings lie within ourselves.

So, the next time you aren’t feeling like you have reached your threshold of affection: look outwards and then look inwards before you draw conclusions. Fill up your own cup so that you are not looking for someone else to do so. Anything else that is poured in is just an addition that leads to the outpouring of affection.

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